Heidi's 3rd Birthday

It's hard to believe it's already been 3 years since we lost our little girl.  I still think of her everyday and wish she were here.  I wish I knew what she was like rather than only being able to wonder.  I did well yesterday until we laid down to go to bed.  I don't cry that often anymore, but it's almost a welcome feeling when I feel that sorrow that used to always follow me around.  The feeling reminds me how much she affected my life and how much I love my daughter.  I am grateful that we are not where we were 3 years ago, so much has happened since then, and I hope that I am a better person because of her.

I couldn't help but think about how life was that first year with her gone.  It was not an uncommon sight to see us walking the neighborhood at midnight or me avoiding baby showers.  I'm grateful for the passage of time and how it is able to help heal and make things easier, but it hasn't completely taken the pain away.  Heidi will always have a piece of my heart.  She was my first baby that I loved.  I feel bad for Brady sometimes, the poor kid is probably so confused.  We talk about his sister and his brother.  His sister is buried and his brother is still in my tummy and he really has no idea what it means.

For Heidi's birthday this year, we decided to do a service project.  The day before her birthday, we got some friends and family together to make tiny flannel diapers to donate to a hospital for the group Teeny Tears (www.teenytears.blogspot.com).  These diapers are for babies who are stillborn and fit from sizes 18-32 weeks.  The family gets 2 matching ones, one to put on their baby and one to keep.  We are so grateful for our family members and friends who made the effort to come that night.  We completely finished 70 diapers, but got a lot more cut out and had some leftover fabric.  We will probably have around 120 total when we are all finished.  We hope that those families that receive a set will appreciate having something to dress their baby in.  We didn't have anything to put on Heidi after she was delivered and would have loved a cute little diaper.

 

This was my favorite diaper.  So sweet and tiny.

 We weren't able to make it to the cemetery until the day after her birthday.  It was the first year there has been snow.  We found her headstone surprisingly easy and Dave cleared the snow off.  It was freezing cold since the sun was almost down so we didn't stay for long.  We left some balloons, sang Happy Birthday, and tried to light the candles on a cupcake, but they kept being blown out by the wind, so we just decided to light them at home. 

Brady loved blowing the candles out!


These tulips are from Lisa, a lady in my ward.  She has been so sweet and has remembered Heidi's birthday every year.  It means a lot to hear that she is being thought of and remembered and I have appreciated Lisa's thoughtfulness each year.  It's always been my biggest fear that Heidi will be forgotten by most people and I still enjoy hearing her name spoken.

Happy 3rd Birthday Heidi!  We will always love you!